Stephanie

Stephanie was the love of my life. It took me many years to admit this because I hated her for so long after we parted. She is the only woman I ever lived with, I've never been that close to any woman before or since her. She finally left me in the fall of 1992, at a detox.

That was almost 13 years ago now. I've been with a number of women since then, but I've never come close to moving in with any uf them, the relationship ends before we ever get to that level.

Stephanie and I went through the pregnancy thing the winter of 91/92. It was a nightmare in so many ways, I don't even like to think about it a lot, it was horrible.

She was screwed up herself and had her own issues but my being a practicing addict certainly didn't help things I can tell you. I'm not saying things would have worked out between us anyway, had I not been an addict.

She miscarried in January of 1992 and whatever was left of the bond we did have was gone.

I wouldn't call what we had true love simply because I was the one in love, she never loved me the way I loved her. Maybe in the beginning she did, I don't know, but in the end all she wanted was to get away from me.

I failed her miserably and maybe that's what I've always feared since....with other women. I can't help but keep them at a distance, even if I really do care about them, I had problems with that before her though but it's been worse since.

I loved everything about her, even her flaws....everything. I can't describe the pain and obsession I went through with her in our last months together. No woman has ever had the power over me she had, I don't know if it was just because I was so emotionally weakened by my addiction or what it was really, I just remember.

I don't know where she is now, except to say that four years after we parted we met again and talked one afternoon and my hate for her melted, the black clouded that enveloped her memory evaporated.

We met a few times for coffee after that and talked on the phone a few times and then I lost track of her. I did see her once at the Calgary Stampede after our last phone conversation....she was looking beautiful as usual and with a handsome guy and looked happy, she didn't see me though......and so..... I finally let her go.