Stephanie

Stephanie was the love of my life. It took me many years to admit this because I hated her for so long after we parted. She is the only woman I ever lived with, I've never been that close to any woman before or since her. She finally left me in the fall of 1992, at a detox.

That was almost 13 years ago now. I've been with a number of women since then, but I've never come close to moving in with any uf them, the relationship ends before we ever get to that level.

Stephanie and I went through the pregnancy thing the winter of 91/92. It was a nightmare in so many ways, I don't even like to think about it a lot, it was horrible.

She was screwed up herself and had her own issues but my being a practicing addict certainly didn't help things I can tell you. I'm not saying things would have worked out between us anyway, had I not been an addict.

She miscarried in January of 1992 and whatever was left of the bond we did have was gone.

I wouldn't call what we had true love simply because I was the one in love, she never loved me the way I loved her. Maybe in the beginning she did, I don't know, but in the end all she wanted was to get away from me.

I failed her miserably and maybe that's what I've always feared since....with other women. I can't help but keep them at a distance, even if I really do care about them, I had problems with that before her though but it's been worse since.

I loved everything about her, even her flaws....everything. I can't describe the pain and obsession I went through with her in our last months together. No woman has ever had the power over me she had, I don't know if it was just because I was so emotionally weakened by my addiction or what it was really, I just remember.

I don't know where she is now, except to say that four years after we parted we met again and talked one afternoon and my hate for her melted, the black clouded that enveloped her memory evaporated.

We met a few times for coffee after that and talked on the phone a few times and then I lost track of her. I did see her once at the Calgary Stampede after our last phone conversation....she was looking beautiful as usual and with a handsome guy and looked happy, she didn't see me though......and so..... I finally let her go.

My Nine Year Aniversary

Though the 5th of May is technically my nine year aniversary it still is the 5th to me because I got up late and am still up so technically it's still "today" for me even though it's already technically the 6th of May.

I left the Detox 9 years ago today on May the 5th of 1996 and have never looked back, and not even really looked forward all that far either....just to today.

I'm not going to say that it's been a journey, simply because it still is a journey and I'm still on it and God willing I will be for the rest of my life, however long that may be.

I won't lie and tell you how rosy my life and sobriety are because that would be a lie. It hasn't been hard for me to stay sober but life has been difficult at times along the way. I've just kind of plugged along and done what I've had to do and never lost my memory of how bad it was and kept praying and here I am still clean and sober.

I've made some friends along the way and lost some, made some new enemies and made friends out of former ones....life has moved along and I'm still here.

God spoke to me once just over nine years ago, not in words but in feelings, "he" or "it" or "her" or "whatever" it was came to me that night and told me something I've never forgotten.

"You have free will, if you pick up again (A drug or a drink) I will not be able to help you, not because I don't want to or do not have the power, but because you will not want it, you will not have another chance because you will never give yourself another chance."

Whatever it was that came into my room that night I weakly called for help, I call God, and through emotions that is what God said to me.

God has been silent since. There were many nights in early sobriety when I would dread going back to my dingy two room apartment after an A.A. meeting. I had no power and no money and no food, I would sit in the dark with just one little lamp powered by an extension cord going into my friend Clints apartment. I would sit on my bed talking to God and waiting for sleep to come and he would comfort me, his spirit was just there, not saying anything but it was there....and finally I would find sleep.

That's where I started.