Here's to You Billy

Billy Cowsill died on Friday February 17th at his home in Calgary AB,Canada at the age of 58.

I knew Billy, and I liked him, he was not only a fellow addict he was a fellow musician.

I took some lessons from him back in the late 90's, we jammed about 3 times.

The fondest memory I have of Billy is him sitting in my living room, one afternoon, playing song after song for me on his big bodied Larrivae guitar.

Some of the songs were standards and some were his own, some not even published or recorded.

He taught me not to step on the vocalist in a song, which I did while we were playing a tune together and I was playing slide. I never forgot that lesson and my playing got better as a result, now I am more into the song than the lead, which is the way it should be.

Billy was about the song, he was a master of rhythm, he knew more about music than anyone I ever met.

He is a loss to the music world as well as his friends and family, who recently lost their other brother Barry Cowsill.

I kind of lost touch with Billy over the last few years but would run into him on the street in Calgary from time to time, we'd catch up a bit and then be on our separate ways.

Billy was a private person, kind of a loner in a way, but not lonely, he valued his solitude and I respected him for it.

If there is a heaven, he is surely jamming with Barry and the rest of the musicians that have made their way there.

So here's to you Billy, we'll miss you.

James Frey, Gone to a (Million Little Pieces)

There never was any doubt in my mind that James Frey was a fraud. I'm not just talking about his book, a supposed memior called "A Million Little Pieces". I'm talking about his image as an addict/alcoholic bad boy.

I can't say if he really is an addict/alcoholic, that's not my place. I do know however that he embellishes a lot. Even if he is an addict/alcoholic he isn't to the degree that he portrays in real life or in his book, and he sure as hell isn't a bad boy.

What bothers me about the whole thing is the fact that he has lost credibility with so many people trying to recover, who maybe are new and grabbed onto his book and story and looked up to him and saw there was hope for them too.

Now that he is exposed as a fraud, a lot of those people will be disenchanted so to speak, with the whole recovery process.

All the talk in the media is about how he conned Oprah and his publisher Nan A. Talese, what about all the new people in recovery? Nobody has said a word about them.

He didn't fool any of us old dogs who have real addiction stories and real scars, but he sure fooled the publishing industry and Oprah and the whole Pop Psycology movement.

They don't want the truth though, they want shlock, they always do, so I don't know why they're whining. They want stuff that sounds good, that sounds bad boyish. The truth isn't like that, it's boring for the most part, and rarely sells books.

The truth to the James Frey story would never have made a book, it would probably be a boring 15 minute story at best.

The truth is that the whole thing should have been covered up, Oprah could still be smiling and singing the praises of James Frey, the publishers would be making their money, James Frey would have his bad boy image he so desparately needs and wants, and the addicts would have their hope.

His isn't the first all crap story I've heard.

I could go on and on, but it's what the people want, they don't want to hear from those of us that have really been there.

On finding that special "someone"

The "love" relationship is perhaps the most selfish relationship we will ever enter into in our lives, let me explain.

Even though we are involved with another person, the whole relationship is really all about us. How they make us feel, how we feel being around the other person, what they do for us, is the sex good for us, and on and on it go's.

Two people may be together but they still exist in their own seperate worlds to a certain extent.

In the old days things were different, you married for different reasons, mainly necessity. It was a lot easier to survive as a family unit rather than on ones own. People married to have children, lot's and lot's if the womans body could stand it.

A lot of people nowadays tend to marry out of loneliness it seems, for selfish reasons. We live in a very narcisistic society....a me myself and I world.

I watched an interesting program one day, it was about a man and a woman who were trying to save their marriage. The way they did it made perfect sense.

One of them, I can't remember which one, began putting the other first in their order of priorities, lo and behold if the other person didn't fall into line and start doing the same thing a few weeks later.

Their marriage was saved in the long run, and the lesson here is that you gotta give in order to get.....period.

Valentines Day is Coming

Having someone to celebrate Valentines day is a nice thing. I find myself without again this year.

I hear some people whining about it but it doesn't really bother me in the least. I'm comfortable by myself, always have been for the most part.

I never needed a woman to make me feel whole so that makes me rare in a way.

I've never had any trouble getting a girlfriend, and I could be married if I wanted to be and was like the majority of people, getting married and having kids because they think it's the right thing and normal thing to do.

I don't and never have felt that way about it though.

I believe in love, real love, having the kind of person you can't and don't want to live without.

So many people are with people by default.

Not me, I have the odd fling here and there but I remain single for the most part for "her", I know she's out there, somewhere.

I won't settle for less than what I really want.

She doesn't have to be a bombshell, it's chemistry and a connection of the spirit I think.

I don't mind going to my grave single if that's what I have to do.

I won't get into a long term relationship with any less than what I really want, if I do then she might pass me by because I'm with someone, and I wouldn't want that happening now would I?

Depression

I get letters from people who are depressed sometimes. at my site www.dearjames.net I get all manner of letters, but the ones from depressed people are the hardest to answer at times.

I've suffered from depression myself for most of my life. There are resources and medication available nowadays to help people but it takes awhile for the Dr to find what's right for each person, if they even really need it.

I don't take medication myself and never have, I just work my way through it. I ride it out as best I can, it's difficult at times but there is no other way for me at this point.

I'm careful with my advice on most subjects but especially with this one. Some people have to be on medication but most just need to learn to deal with life it seems.

Life is difficult and a lot of people can't seem to accept that fact, they go from Dr to Dr trying different medications, looking for an easier softer way to deal with life. Life is difficult at times and no medication is going to change that fact, none.

There is no way to think my way out of a depression, I can however "do" my way out of a depression and have on a number of occasions.

What I mean is I can take some sort of "action" that helps to pull me out of the rut of depression. Helping others is a great way because it takes my focus off of me for awhile which can be pretty healthy.

The biggest cause of depression I know of is too much "thinking with no action", and when we stop having a dream to work towards, no "inspiration".

So get out there and start dreaming and doing something.

My Advice Column,Website.

I decided to add this blog as an addition to my advice column, website at www.dearjames.net

I also write for a couple other sites but Dear james is mine.

A lot of the letters I get are from teenagers and a few are even younger than that. It’s easy as adults to make light of some of the problems kid’s go through but they are big issues to them and I always read carefully and respond as best I can.

A majority of the letters I get are relationship stuff. It seems to be the main topic in a lot of peoples lives. It’s interesting to note that most bad relationships, started out bad to begin with. If it start’s out bad it won’t ever be good, period. So many people keep beating a dead horse when it comes to their relationship.

What I mean is that a lot of people seem to be with someone simply to be with someone, they can’t be alone. Or they leave one relationship and jump right into another one.

I’m not advocating being alone for the rest of ones life if a relationship doesn’t work, just take the time to find the right person, kind of person.

A lot of people are lonely though and will take what they can get, even if they don’t admit it to themselves.

There is no easy answer, quality over qauntity. Take your time, date, be wary of warning signs, red flags, if you ignore them, you will find yourself in a bad relationship later on.

I’ve been with a couple people myself, and what I’ve learned is that their problems don’t go away because their with me, their problems become mine whether I like it or am ready for it or not.

I also get letters from people with drug or alcohol problems. Some are young some are older but all are in the same screwed up place.

Lonely, hurting, not knowing the way out.

I can relate, I was there for a long time and went right to deaths door. I know what it’s like for every day to be dark and screwed up.

To have nothing left.

I tell them all the same thing, there’s only one way, and that is to give up your life for one whole year, put everything on hold……everything.

Get into detox and go from there to treatment and from there straight into AA or NA meetings…..depending on your drug of choice.

If you aren’t ready to do ANYTHING to quit, you can’t quit….period.

I recieve letters from young women who are pregnant too. Once again alone, scared, not really knowing what options are available to them.

I always refer them to an agency that can help them and the hope they go.

I get all kinds of letters and will try and post my thoughts on some of them here.

I was going to post some of them on my site and I will in the future.

In the meantime I’ll just keep answering letters and caring as best I can.

James