The difference between an addictive mind and a normal one.

Perception I think. I'm sure that's the main difference, we (Addicts) percieve the world in a warped manner.

The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says "We are driven by a hundred forms of self delusion".

I believe this and have seen it time and again in my own life as well as others. I have my own insights that go a little deeper though.

For example, I think people with a predisposition to addiction are a lot more sensitive than the average person, their skin is a lot thinner for some reason, in most cases anyway.

I think that because of this fact they pick up a lot more vibes from people around them, they "instinctively" know when they are not liked or when people are talking about them.

This may sound a little looney I know, but I believe it's true.

What I'm trying to say is that they, "Addictive minded people", are more aware of the external world than the average person.

Here's an extreme analogy....Imagine if you could read everyones mind, you would go nuts, hearing all those thoughts, what people really thought of you....this is what it's like for addicts.....only to a milder degree I think.

I've been clean and sober almost ten years, but I am still hyper sensitive, I have learned to make it work to my advantage though, for me rather than against me.

I don't let things get to me like I used to.

On the downside though.

Because we are hyper sensitive, we have the ability to become master manipulators, often times we can predict (with great accuracy) what people want, and we can take advantage of the situation and get what we want, which usually isn't good.

Anyway, these are just my opinions.

Early Recovery

Early recovery is about staying clean and sober only, doing whatever it takes, keeping my eyes on the road.

I see so many people in early recovery trying to deal with their emotional,psycho/social issues,because they have been told this is what they should be doing. This is a mistake.

Staying clean and sober is enough for the first two years. Dealing with "issues" to soon will just overload the already fragile mindset and the addict/alcoholic will return to familiar patterns.

This is one of the main reasons you don't see a lot of two year clean/sober time anniversaries, I see a lot of one years, but most never make it to two years or beyond.

My advice to newcomers is, "Your issues will always be there, there is no hurry".

A person needs to build a solid foundation in sobriety before they takle deep seated issues.

Unfortunately a lot of people end up in Rehabs that teach them that the reason they use is because of their "issues".

This is baloney. My desease is physical first. Once I get a handle on abstinance I can then tackle what issues need to be dealt with.

Dealing with issues first is just doing things backwards,it rarely works.

My advice? Just worry about staying clean and sober the first two years, learn to smell the flowers again, learn to laugh again, learn to live.

Take a load off, your issues will still be there when it's time.

My Friend Clint

I was thinking about him tonight.He died May the 10th 1998.Clint was my roomate off and on for a number of years, and he was gay. There was a 30 year difference in our ages and I was/am heterosexual but we were still the best of friends.

I think in some ways I was the closest he would ever come to having his own son. He bitched at me sometimes and made a fuss over the dumbest things, and I of course was a royal pain in the ass to him on a number of occasions.

He bailed me out of trouble a few times over the years, a number of times actually. I was always there for him too.

We'd get drinking and start yelling at each other, him telling me what a drugged out screw up I was and me telling him he was a f$#@kin drunk.Blossum, his dog would be between us barking. I can't count the times my problems landed on his doorstep, too many to count. I miss him.

Clint did drink too much at times, but he always took care of his responsibilities. I drank a lot too at one time, but I was always irresponsible.

The difference in our drinking was that Clint was a hard drinker, I was an alcoholic and a dopehead and shirked my responsibilities.

Clint had a lot more reasons to drink than I ever did. He suffered horrible guilt over being gay, he was sexually and physically and emotionally abused, yet he still always lived up to his responsibilities. I never did.

I will always think about him. I especially think about him during the spring time, that was the last time I saw him alive.

It was near the tenth of May in 1998 and I had worked outside all day and was tired but had the feeling I should go see him, he was in the hospital at the time. I took the bus and visited with him for awhile, it was the last visit we would ever have.

His brother called me the next evening and told me he had passed away. It was the end of an era for me, and him. I miss him as I write this.

I was two years sober and clean at the time and he was very proud, I knew he was holding his breath at times, waiting for me to fall off the wagon. I still haven't and it will be ten years soon, in May.

I am happy that I was cleaned up the last time I saw him alive, and he was too.

My Site

Check my site out here.

I'll Tell The Truth

Reading what I just wrote made me think,it's true to a point,what I said earlier.

The reason I have no wife or kids I think is because I am emotionally fragile,it's the reason I am so disconnected from people and the world around me.What if something happened to them,it would kill me.

Women in previous relationships always told me I was cold and distant,that I didn't love them,I did in some cases,I just couldn't be connected to them.

So,though people percieve me as cold,hard,distant,I am really just weak,fragile,they don't see this though,and never will.

Death

Thank you for your comment on the "My Aunt" post mystery lady.I enjoyed reading about your Aunt,you weren't rambling.

I've had two people die recently that I knew,Billy Cowsill and my Aunt Evelyn.I called a friend of mine last night because he has been sick.His cancer has spread to his lung and lympth nodes,he doesn't have long.

He is only 35 and has a wife and three little girls,it breaks my heart.He has always been fairly active,worked hard,and never smoked.

Then there's me,smoke like a chimny,abusing my body with every known substance for years,and I get to live.....knock on wood,who knows.

I think my depression lately has been because of these recent deaths.It's made me look at how short life really is,it's cracked my bubble,we are so sheltered from death in our society.

It's made me revaluate my life,and I've come up sorely lacking I'm afraid.Most of my forty years have been trite and meaningless I feel.

I have no wife (Couldn't keep one anyway) no kids,no career,a few possesions,my guitars and leather jackets are my dearest I suppose.

I've always wandered and been a transient,never seeing the point to life,and I probably never will if I haven't by forty.

Things society values I've never really cared that much about,monetary success mostly.Immortality through children,people wanting to leave their mark,why?

Most people live like they will be on earth forever,building monuments to themselves,hoping to be remembered.

I have always lived like it will all end,never seeing the point to it,I still think I'm right.

I don't care if people remember me,it won't matter when I'm gone anyway.

My tombstone will read...."Here lies.....uh....don't remember his name.....may he rest in peace".

My Site

Don't forget to check out my site here

My Aunt

My Aunt Evelyn passed away recently.We went to visit her in the hospital a short time before.

About a week later I was falling asleep and felt a faint breeze on my face,I thought to myself that maybe it was Aunt Evelyn stopping in to say bye,then I put it out of my mind thinking that was sillyness.

My father phoned later that day to tell me Aunt Evelyn had passed on,you guessed it,it was at the exact time that I felt the breeze and thought of her.